My Santa Barbara blonde, the last Sambo's and Salty Seafaring Pirates at Sea!

Ahhhh. Beautiful, wonderful Santa Barbara. Home of Steve Martin, Bo Derek and Oprah. Here's a view looking south toward the city.

My "Santa Barbara Blonde" - brewed exclusively at the Santa Barbara Brewing Co. in beautiful downtown Santa Barbara. Cheers.

The last Sambo's in the United States? You're looking at it.

DS Sambo's is a restaurant, formerly an American restaurant chain, started in 1957 by Sam Battistone and Newell Bohnett. Though the name was taken from portions of the names of its founders, the chain soon found itself associated with "The Story of Little Black Sambo". The story, written by a Scot woman living in India in 1899, tells the tale of a boy named Sambo who outwits a group of hungry tigers who race around a tree and eventually turn into butter. Battistone and Bohnett capitalized on the coincidence by decorating the walls of the restaurants with scenes from the book, including a dark-skinned boy and tigers. By the early 1970s, the illustrations depicted a light-skinned boy wearing a jeweled Indian-style turban with the tigers.

By 1979, Sambo's had 1,200 outlets in 47 U.S. states. However in the late seventies controversy over the chain's name drew protests and lawsuits in communities that viewed the term "Sambo" as derogatory towards African-Americans, particularly in Northeast states. Several of the restaurants were opened as or renamed to "The Jolly Tiger" but by November of 1981, the company filed for bankruptcy and by 1982 all but the original Sambo's at 216 West Cabrillo Boulevard in Santa Barbara, California, closed their doors. Battistone's grandson, restaurateur Chad Stevens, owns the only remaining Sambo's. He expresses a desire to revive the chain.

We spent Saturday morning in Buellton, located in the Santa Ynez Valley (wine country) of Santa Barbara County (about 40 miles north of Santa Barbara) - where much of the movie Sideways was filmed - watching Laura and Mark's son and daughter play baseball (Laura is my Uncle Bob's sister - she's my age). Then we drank and barbecued at L & M's house. Neither of these kids are Laura and Mark's children.

Rick Nowak is one of my Uncle Bob's brothers and a man of many talents and compulsions. He and I toured a replica of a mid-18th Century tallship or schooner called the Spirit of Dana Point, berthed in the Santa Barbara harbor. Tom Nowak - another brother - stayed at home to pack for his Grand Canyon trip on Monday with my Uncle Bob and the other Nowak brothers, Chuck and Greg. In hindsight, that was a smart move, Tom.

Ya see, Rick got the bright idea of taking the Spirit of Dana Point outta the harbor for a spin. I informed him of the slew of state and federal laws he'd be in violation of - both on land and at sea. Let's just say Rick was on a mission, so I didn't bother trying to talk him out of it. He owns two businesses and works a regular 40-hour job on top of that and he's quite the outdoorsman, so - what the hell. I wasn't gonna be the one to piss on his vacation.

Seeing as I had little navigation experience, I asked Captain Rick (as he now wished to be referred to as) if I could at least steer the clipper out of the harbor. Begrudgingly, he agreed. I'm pointing to Rick - sorry...Captain Rick, to unleash the main sail but he reached for the coiled rope on deck. He told me he's sailed a boat this large but I was beginning to wonder.

Now, if you wanna see more pictures and find out how our crazy adventure on the high seas ended, hit Read More!

Rick got mad because I yelled (I wasn't yelling) at him to untie the main sail, saying the tone in my voice was, 'Rick doesn't know what the hell he's doing', so he said he would take over maneuvering the ship out of Santa Barbara harbor. He's a lot more sensitive than I thought. Oh, and then he has the gall to ask me to take his picture at the wheel just as we're about to set out.

As we were officially "taking the ship", I thought it customary to raise our own flag, but since we didn't plan this (or at least, I didn't plan to do this), we didn't have a flag. I suggested to Captain Rick we use his Pierogihead tee shirt but he said it cost him $19, plus $5 shipping and that he didn't wanna waste it on what would most likely be an ill-fated journey. "Do I look like a dumb Pollack?", I think were his exact words. I found this Thirteen Colony flag in a storage locker and sent up our colors. ARGHHHH!

Captain Rick said he could read one of these. But he left his reading glasses in the car and said he'd navigate by the sun. He'd said it was just like those little ball compasses you pin on your camo outfit while deerhunting.

In the event there's a threat of the ship being boarded- or if Rick refers to me as "bitch" just one more time.

Captain Rick said that in case we're boarded and hand-to-hand combat ensues, I should familiarize myself with where and how to use the billy clubs (I'm not sure what they're called).

Then Captain Rick said I had to wear a pirate patch - which he conveniently had in his pocket (there went any hope of "temporary insanity" as a plea at his future court hearing). I asked him why he didn't have to wear a patch. He told me his Cool Ray sunglasses looked enough like a patch and to just shut up and put the sonofabitch on. So I did.

Rational Jeff was telling Dipshit Jeff this was a bad idea from the get-go. Still, I looked at hijacking the Spirit of Dana Point as a romantic adventure, one that might spawn a great play. In a frantic moment when I thought about a mutiny early on, I was checking out places I could dump Captain Rick's unconscious body. Now where did I put that billy club?

Rick - dammit...I mean, Captain Rick wanted me to go to the bow (front) and recreate the scene from the only movie he cried during - Titanic. I said no. He didn't hit me or anything but asked if I wouldn't mention that he cried during Titanic. Oops.

I got to navigate the ship once - when Captain Rick spied this keg. It was the only time he smiled during our high seas fiasco.

There was actually some grog in the keg - it tasted like Guinness. And for about 20 minutes life was good on the high seas of Santa Barbara. We caught up on old bowhunting stories and shared with each other our life's philosophies. We even found an old costume chest. Here, Captain Rick and I are attempting to recreate a scene from 42nd Street (the camera is set to autopilot - not the ship though). Everything was going rather well. Captain Rick and I had just started the 2nd verse of "Dames" - you know, "Slims and all curvy, Sweet, shy and nervy", when the Spirit of Dana Point came to a screeching halt.

The last photo I got off was when we were actually boarded by the Port Authority. A melee broke out (that's why you can't make out anything in the photo). I never got to use that billy club, but the police did. Rick tried giving away a few Pierogihead shirts - with white lettering on red and red lettering on white - but the two arresting officers weren't Polish. Then he said he'd mail each officer a Pierogi hat but they thought that Pierogi hats were a stupid idea. I'm legally bound not to discuss anything more about the incident. Oh well...as the day turns to evening off the beautiful coast of Santa Barbara, Captain Rick and I bid you "adieu". And goodbye to you Captian Rick - I'll see you in...did they give you 30 or 60 days, Captain Rick?